Thursday, August 4, 2011

A Skeleton in the Closet

My, my life! It has been a bumpy road lately. Lots of ups and downs. Recently more downs. Hmm where to begin. Well I had let myself go. I wasn't living up to my own  standards. I was living a life and becoming a person I did not want to be. In turn it was hurting the people around me and hurting me a lot! So I moved away from Utah and back home to Illinois, getting away from all of it.

 I was trying to make things better. Things did get better for the people back in Utah, but not for me. I was suddenly starved for the good things about Utah that I missed. All of the dark times nearly forgotten. The problem was I wasn't better at all. I was still not living up to my own standards. In Illinois, I had no friends at all. None. That's no exaggeration. I missed everyone in Utah so much! I sank into a depression. It was all pity parties and feeling sorry for myself. Not a good time at all. I spent most nights crying. I worked sun up to sundown. Then at night I worked more. All I could think of was Utah.

Then one day I snapped. All that working had been on my own business. I was almost ready to launch it. So much money and support was put behind me. That day I got in my car and left behind the biggest opportunity ever presented to me. I burned bridges with my family. The crazy thing is I thought it was the right thing to do. I told myself it was just going to be a few days. Then I would come back!

That is not what happened at all. I got to Utah. My parents were already pretty mad. They, in their anger, had disowned me. The friend who I came back for, Who is a girl if you haven't guessed, welcomed me with opened arms, but something wasn't right.

We had made a deal. I went home for a reason. Even though she missed me, our relationship couldn't last on that alone. Things started to die. "I love you" turned into "I can't do this anymore". I braced for the end, but in my desperation, I felt like she was all I had. I held on.

So here we are. After all this living out a normal day is hard. Every so often I call my friend only to find that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I'm blocked from her life. I'm a memory. A skeleton in the closet. Now that I look back on what I did, I see that I made the wrong choice. I should have continued to work on my business. At this point I would have had much success. I'd be debt free and on my way to a better life.

Now I face the trial of putting this behind me. Everything I see reminds me of her. How can I beat this? Some words of wisdom come to mind. A good friend told me she always tells herself "ok, you can do this. You have done hard things before". Also I'm trying to depend more on God. I have to let him heal me. Some things are hard to let go, but I have to walk this hard road now. I have to overcome against all odds.

I have no other choice. I wont go down as a skeleton in her closet.


  1. You sure can do hard things! Desi once said, "sometimes the hardest thing and the *right* thing are the same thing." and she was dead on. Like you said, leaning on God is the way to go. He will bless us for having endured the hard thing, and many times that blessing is far beyond what we could have ever hoped for or asked for ourselves because we didn't think it possible. :)

  2. The friend I was quoting was Desi. haha! She has some phrases that I just love! I'm loving this feedback!